1. |
Power
05:02
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I envision all of the ways you could hurt me
While your warm hands are wrapped around my half sleeping body
Planning my own heartbreak so meticulously
I just live in fear
I want to crush you with the weight of my thighs
I wish my feelings weren’t so ugly so much of the time
I bite your nails so I don’t think about mine
At least that’s the method I try
I’m chasing what I have already
Try to preserve the sunsets before they turn to night
I feel like a child
Your touch melts me
Suckling at the teat of you
Absorbing all your truth
I’ve lost my power
Your body’s become an extension of mine
I love to let my fingers explore valleys of your spine
You push in and I want to crawl inside
Make my bed where your organs lie
Sometimes I wish I didn’t know about her
Thoughts I know I shouldn’t have render me completely unsure
Surrounded by her paintings, I try to carve in drawings of my own
Why am I chasing what I have already?
Try to preserve the sunsets before they turn to night
I feel like a child
Your touch melts me
Suckling at the teat of you
Absorbing all your truth
I’ve lost my power
My past fucks me from behind
While my future covers my mouth
I am sure of how I feel about you
It’s everything else that I don’t know about
And I hear whispers in my ear that nothing is impenetrable
And I have no choice but to believe
I want to sink into the water that we watched ripple like paint
Maybe it would bathe us clean
You make me chase what I should have
Try to preserve the sunsets before they turn to night
I feel like a child
Your touch melts me
Suckling at the teat of you
Absorbing all your truth
I've lost my power
I've lost my power
I've lost my power
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2. |
Puppet Master
04:26
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I can’t do anything to change your mind
That’s the way that it seems
But just because you had a little speech prepared doesn’t ensure its validity
You act like I wasn’t there
I couldn’t see, I wasn’t listening
But rest assured, I keep my receipts in order
I keep notes in stone on everything
You know that I’m not naive
I tend to be pretty picky
Bout who I hand out my love to
And we both know you got lucky
I’m not a puppet master
Didn’t pull your strings to make you love me
That’s just bad lying
You’re not a victim of circumstance
Just because you’re scared of what you’re feeling
Doesn’t mean i dragged you along with me
If you wanted my friendship
Why’d you feel compelled to put your body in mine?
We both tend to guard our flesh pretty closely
But we gave that up in no time
I didn’t force you to meet my mother
You should know that she’s no longer a fan
You flipped your switch off
Left me dumb, in the dark
Now you’ve fucked up all my precious plans
I know that you’re not naive
But I’d suggest therapy
I was so willing to try
But you shut me out
I won’t make time
I’m not a puppet master
Didn’t pull your strings to make you love me
That’s just you hiding
You’re not a victim of my agenda
You took all that I was giving
Didn’t make you give it back to me
Wish you would give it back to me
I think you love me
I know you loved me
Let yourself love me
I’m not a puppet master
Didn’t pull your strings
To make you love me
Can’t make you love me
Won’t make you love me
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3. |
Looking For
04:50
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I look for you everywhere that you might be
Search within cracks that lie in the concrete
But I know where you hide
It’s inside your mind
Where you decided I couldn’t stay
I wanted to know you so badly I thought I
Couldn’t live knowing someday I might not
But I’ve packed up my things
And though they may be heavy
I’m not scared of the weight
I thought
I thought we melded completely
Now I know I’m not like you and for that I feel lucky
I gave, I gave
I gave you everything
I didn’t get to choose
What we had is precious to lose
And my instincts may be cruel
But they protect me
I thought we were driving along in the same car
Turns out you were planning our crash from afar
I may not come out unscathed
But I can look in the mirror
Is that something you’ve tried?
I trusted, I trusted
You wouldn’t hurt me
But I could never do what you did
And for that I feel relieved
I gave
I gave
I gave you all of me
So you don’t get to choose
I’m something precious to lose
And my heart may be broken
But I’ll protect me
I worry for you
But I’ve got to care for me right now
I can’t attempt to save what was willing to shut me out
And I hope that one day
You are able to face the pain
You inflict on yourself inside that big brain
I, I love you fully
But I’ll try to love me for now
Me for now
It’s just me right now
I’ll stop looking for you in places I know you’ll be
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4. |
Have To
04:14
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I’ve turned you into an entity
But you’re just another person who’s disappointed me
This morning wish I woke up in your dirty bedroom
Being kissed by you before the class you have at noon
I will mourn all that we could have been
But I’m too strong to let voices in my head win
People are just people
And I try to be one too
I know you’re a good one
That doesn’t always show in what you do
You’re not interchangeable
But I have to change the way I think of you
Of you
Do I have to?
Do I have to?
I don’t want to
(I want you)
I don’t want to
(I want you)
I don’t want to
But I have to
I’m cynical but still believe in love
With someone who knows for sure that I am what they want
I’m lucky to have known you
You stay forever in my brain
I don’t take it lightly that we see the world the same
You’ll never be dispensable
But I have to take time to cleanse myself of you
Of you
I know I have to
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5. |
Constantly
05:24
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Tired of stretching myself out to be the bigger person
You’re at least six inches taller than me
How come responsibility falls on me
To teach you how to feel and then just let you leave
I know well I can live just fine with only me
But there’s a gaping you-shaped hole that I can’t not see
How many times will I glue back together pieces of me
Before I turn into someone else entirely?
Now I’m kissing strangers in my new bedroom
As soon as I moved in
I just wished you could see the view
I try to push you out the room
I feel distant from everything around me
It feels as though you live inside the space between
The rest of the world and me
Constantly contort my body
To make room for those who don’t care for me
Can I break myself again?
Is it worth what I could win?
I’d like to know if there’s a sign on my back
That promises my love to all those that lack
The ability to stay
I’m too young to be this afraid
Too much pride to get on my knees and pray
I try to give myself permission to let myself feel
The moments I feel like I’m slipping out of everything real
But it’s hard not to examine every corner of me
When the first time I’m myself it prompts your feelings to leave
Fear is the bug that bit you
Didn’t bother to fight
Was it too much to expect that things would turn out alright?
I have to stop my hands daily from moving to talk to you
But you don’t belong on the shelf
You’re what I can’t stand to lose
Constantly contort my body
To make room for those who don’t care for me
Can I break myself again?
Is it worth what I could win?
I’d like to know who put the sign on my back
That promises myself to all those that lack
The ability to say
They love me and they’re not afraid
Will it always turn out this way?
This way
This way
Will it forever be this way?
Will it forever be this way?
Is it ever gonna change?
Am I ever gonna change?
Could it forever be this way?
Could it forever stay the same?
Is it ever gonna
Is it ever gonna
Am I ever gonna
Are you ever gonna
Is this ever gonna change?
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6. |
Meant To Be
02:58
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I take myself out for a walk
And I know that I’m with me today
I move my legs all by myself
And I know that’s never gonna change
My body is soft and beautiful
But I have grown to hate it
My mind is ugly and beautiful
I often come to fear it
I think I’m meant to be alone forever
Think I’m meant to be alone
She’s all I’ve got so I will try to love her
Think I’m supposed to be alone
I think I’m meant to be alone forever
Think I’ll try being alone
She can be a bitch
But I’ll just have to love her
Think I’ll try being alone
I think I’m meant to be with me forever
Think I’m meant to be alone
I will have to stick around with me forever
Think I’m meant to be
With
Me
With me
With me
Me
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Grace Ludmila New York, New York
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