Constantly

from Dedications by Grace Ludmila

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lyrics

Tired of stretching myself out to be the bigger person
You’re at least six inches taller than me
How come responsibility falls on me
To teach you how to feel and then just let you leave
I know well I can live just fine with only me
But there’s a gaping you-shaped hole that I can’t not see
How many times will I glue back together pieces of me
Before I turn into someone else entirely?

Now I’m kissing strangers in my new bedroom
As soon as I moved in
I just wished you could see the view
I try to push you out the room
I feel distant from everything around me
It feels as though you live inside the space between
The rest of the world and me

Constantly contort my body
To make room for those who don’t care for me
Can I break myself again?
Is it worth what I could win?
I’d like to know if there’s a sign on my back
That promises my love to all those that lack
The ability to stay
I’m too young to be this afraid
Too much pride to get on my knees and pray

I try to give myself permission to let myself feel
The moments I feel like I’m slipping out of everything real
But it’s hard not to examine every corner of me
When the first time I’m myself it prompts your feelings to leave
Fear is the bug that bit you
Didn’t bother to fight
Was it too much to expect that things would turn out alright?
I have to stop my hands daily from moving to talk to you
But you don’t belong on the shelf
You’re what I can’t stand to lose

Constantly contort my body
To make room for those who don’t care for me
Can I break myself again?
Is it worth what I could win?
I’d like to know who put the sign on my back
That promises myself to all those that lack
The ability to say
They love me and they’re not afraid
Will it always turn out this way?
This way
This way

Will it forever be this way?
Will it forever be this way?
Is it ever gonna change?
Am I ever gonna change?
Could it forever be this way?
Could it forever stay the same?
Is it ever gonna
Is it ever gonna
Am I ever gonna
Are you ever gonna
Is this ever gonna change?

credits

from Dedications, released December 14, 2018

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Grace Ludmila New York, New York

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